Saturday, 5 August 2017
Today I improvised. I was forced to. My monastic routine, as I developed it throughout the previous five days, just could not work anymore. My body protested. Not my mind, because that is still half asleep. Here are the facts: the noise of the ventilation system in my room kept me awake the most of these nights. There was no way to switch it off. Unfortunately, on my last full day as a monk, I feel tired. Well, the other side of the coin is that I will not be too nostalgic about leaving, tomorrow!
This morning I had to divide my meditation into shorter slots, in order to stay focused. From there, it came the idea of alternating relaxing outdoors, short meditations, a bit of writing, and taking pictures throughout the whole day. Nothing essentially changed in my practices but their rhythm, which became more fragmented.
I reflected on the nature of this retreat. As I wrote in my previous post, some rules emerged by themselves.
For example, it just became obvious to me that I will publish my texts on my blog right after finishing them. By the end of each day, there has to be a new post. Then, I had to invent a counterbalancing rule, because the speed of this publishing procedure is also a burden, especially for an Italian author writing in English. So, I gave myself permission to adjust my writings afterwards, by midnight, like Cinderella – Cinderella did not write a blog, though! I read my posts one last time before going to bed. If some passages do not sound clear, if I spot grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes, or if I detect adulterations caused by my tiredness, or by my ‘ego’ – thing which easily happens when I write about myself – I work for making the text clearer and more honest. After midnight, what is written stays written. This is the game.
My only physical training so far consisted in long walks in the nature. I decided to give one week break to my quite hard bodily training. This helped my muscles to loosen their tension, and allowed me to sit quietly for longer periods. Well, today is an exception. My sleep deprivation forced me to adopt a creative solution…
Another delicious amusement is taking pictures. My camera is a cheap one, so the quality of the images is relatively modest. But I really try my best to offer my readers a glimpse of the landscapes I see when I walk, as well as the little details which capture my eye. All the photos I publish along with my texts must be taken on the same day, that is another rule. I like everything to be fresh!
This specific way of sharing by writing, allows me to keep my monastic isolation, and at the same time opens my journey to a potential audience. By doing so, I accidentally make a performance out of my spiritual retreat. This experiment is my first prototype of a performative retreat, and it is far from being perfect. The aim of my PhD research is to explore meditation as an artistic practice in itself. I am not there yet. But I want to believe this is another significant baby-step.